It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush to my penis, then this was it.
Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner.
“But why?” The memory foam of my tissue screamed confusion.
“What’s the problem?”
“Just leave it okay.”
“But it’s what we’re trained for. I’m gonna do it anyway.”
“NO! Listen, we’re having an oil-massage from a professional Thai masseuse who apparently isn’t doing this for sexual reasons. Hannah is in the bed next to us also having an oil-massage. If ever there was a more inappropriate time to become erect, it probably is now. Okay?”
“Yeah I spose. But the chick does keep massaging your butt cheeks.”
“Yes she does” I sighed. “Yes she does”.
I inhaled and tried to remove all sexuality from the situation. Suddenly the towel moved position and my legs were being worked on.
The little madam now had the pleasure of looking at my hairy arse. She was so impressed she signalled to her mate to have a look. Such was their joint delight, they signalled another colleague to come and view the musings of my anal regions. She too recoiled with delight. It seemed every employee was looking at my hairy arse. I couldn’t see their faces but I imagine they were licking their lips. I could hear sounds which at first sounded like giggles, but then I quickly realised how silly that would be – that they would be laughing at me – and decided that the noises were merely vaginal vibrations as juices gushed to their nether regions – how excited they were.
Still, the massage was nice. Very pleasurable.
“Whoa! Did she just touch your cock?”
“Erm… she may have brushed up against it.”
“Dude! She’s totally touching your cock!”
“No. She’s massaging the whole of my leg. The top of my leg is very much connected to the groinal area.”
“There it is again! Dude! She’s totally wants you!”
“Shhh! You’re really not helping! Look, she’s done this a thousand times. She’s a professional so just drop it!
I decided to go back to concentrating on not becoming erect.
Soon it was time to turn over onto my back. I was now facing her with only a towel to protect myself (or her) and still she rubbed that oil onto my body. I looked across to Hannah. She looked like a hypnosis victim. I wondered why this wasn’t awkward for her – lying next to me whilst a woman groomed me for sex. Everything I had learned in life told me that the next stage was intercourse.
Then suddenly the little lady with the most kind hands spoke to me. A little bit of small talk was coming my way – small talk in the shape of flirtation. Stupidly I responded. She giggled. She spoke again. I responded. She giggled.
We were flirting. This was going terribly. Oh dear.
“You see man, it’s on! Hannah planned it all along. This is the ‘holiday’ orgy you have when you reach 30.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Hmmm, you reckon?”
I looked across to Hannah. She hadn’t planned this. This didn’t exist. This was meant to be just a massage. I panicked and closed my eyes. The conversation with my Thai bride was over. Crestfallen, she got the message. I got the rest of the massage.
I lay there quiet for the remaining time, desperate not to rouse myself from my own ignorant state. The soothing smells of incense were now carrying me through to the end. The end arrived. I felt good.
As we were paying, I gave my masseuse an apologetic look. I had teased her with my hairy arse, finely toned legs and flirtatious small talk and then – just as she was thinking she’d get a ‘Happy Ending’- BOOM! Her hopes dashed. I am just one minge-teasing bastard.
Newly refreshed, I took Hannah by the hand and departed the shop. I smiled at her glowing face. She hadn’t even noticed the floods of tears that were obviously pouring from my Thai temptress. One woman’s loss is another woman’s gain I suppose.
I turned, and through the window caught glimpse of the table I was lying on. It was an experience I encountered head-on and felt proud of myself. I was leaving with my dignity intact. And most importantly, I didn’t have a boner.