Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’

The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 68 ‘Gordon the Criminal Gopher’

I’ll be honest, I shit my pants big time. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours I would be dancing naked on top of Lorraine Kelly’s bedside table shouting “I’m a big girth banana, come play with me you massive Scottish twat whore”. Gordon the Gopher, despite being recognised by millions all […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 53 ‘Anal Jacking’

I remember the first time Judy and I tried anal. We did it so much I was sure Judy wouldn’t sit down for a week. But, you know what? She did: she’s a bloody professional. Her stoic willingness to carry on is one of the very few things I admire about Judy. It reminded me […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 46 ‘The Shower’

It was all very intense and, before I knew it, I had ejaculated all over the wall. There I was, Richard Madeley, TV Times television personality of the year 1993, standing naked in a shower with excrement on the floor and semen on the walls. Judy was going to be angry. Really angry (like the […]

I’ve Seen the Star Wars Parody: It’s Called ‘The Force Awakens’.

Picture the scene: it’s the year 2000, I’m on a lads holiday in Magaluf, it’s an obviously classy affair. My plucky friends and I decide to venture to a nightclub hosting a ‘foam’ party. For those who don’t know, foam parties were very popular affairs in the late 90s in which the club vendor would pump […]

I Fantasise About Killing the Street Salesmen Who Try and Sell Me Broadband On A Daily Basis

My friends and I, like the rest of you, have discovered the many uses of social networking app WhatsApp. Whether it be organising a group of disorganised fucktard friends, exchanging photographs of shrivelled penises, or exchanging words of unrivalled vitriol, there’s fun, and pragmatism for all the family. Recently, I’ve discovered that it’s been pretty darn […]

The Voice is Absolute Toilet, But For Some Reason I Watch it.

For the past three years, a heavy burden has been resting on me. I have carried a barrelful of lies and deceit, but now, I believe the time is right to be honest with my friends, my family and myself, when I declare that: MY NAME IS ALFIE EVERS, AND I WATCH THE VOICE UK. Phew. […]

The Quality Street Revolution – My Struggle With Britain’s Favourite Festive Treat

It’s January. And, if like me, you’ll likely visit friends’ houses moaning about your lack of money and whether or not it was a good thing you didn’t get into Rolf’s Cartoon Club (I’m still undecided). More often than not, after consuming all their bread and savoury snacks, I’ll ask if they have any chocolate – which […]

Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App

A few weeks back, I heard murmurings of a new dating app called Tinder. Someone had dressed it as “Grindr, but for straight people”. Now, for all of you who don’t know, Grindr is – in my limited knowledge – an app that uses your location to search for potential mates that are in your area. You make […]

Get Out of My Way – I Have Post Holiday Blues & I’m Prepared to Use It

I am confronted by a dead pigeon. Its body hard pressed and flattened to the floor. Its face contorted to a fixed expression of doom. Its guts spread across the road. I sigh. We are one. Its state reflects how I am feeling. I pass a stranger who takes the time to smile warmly at […]