Valentine – The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness & Vagina Envy

So, here it is again. Valentine’s Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see couples out in the restaurants […]

A Day In The Park with My New Lamp

Hey Everyone. There I was, walking along and what did I discover?… A new lamp. I was mighty happy. So happy in fact I decided to take my new lamp to the park. Life is fun with my new lamp.

What? The Olympics Are Over? Don’t Worry I Can Help

As I sat on Blackheath watching the closing ceremony, I embraced the collective groan as God’s gift to music – Jessie J – took to the giant screen, before a sniff of sadness hit me. Not just because the organisers had let the some big-faced shouty person and her ‘rapper’ mates single-handedly destroy any shred […]

The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear. Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot.

It’s been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I’m not afraid to admit, I’m becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don’t watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing circus orchestrated by a bearded old geezer. […]

Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?

It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

The Box-Set

The queue wasn’t too big. I figured this to be a bonus since I’m one of the few British residents who don’t like queuing. I find it to be a waste of time. But contempt is balanced by a voice in my head that suggests it is a necessary evil, and dare anyone seek to […]

Me Me Me

I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]

At last I understand Rihanna

I’m sure we’ve all felt loss. Right now, I’m feeling it big time. It was a cold January morning. I reviewed the people surrounding me on the almost empty train. The East London line. The line where everyone always seems a little more relaxed. The open space certainly feels less intrusive. You gain a sense […]

A Rub & A Hard Place

Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]