As I sat on Blackheath watching the closing ceremony, I embraced the collective groan as God’s gift to music – Jessie J – took to the giant screen, before a sniff of sadness hit me. Not just because the organisers had let the some big-faced shouty person and her ‘rapper’ mates single-handedly destroy any shred of faith I had in the music industry. No. It was the realisation that the London 2012 Olympics were over. The greatest show on earth. Back to back sport action every day was soon to be replaced with some kind of programme showing families shouting at each other or whatever. That sadness was quickly followed by bewilderment. What now? Where do I start? Just what?
I know that many of you are feeling the same. Well, luckily for you guys, I’m here and I’m armed with proposals:
Option No1 – Get off your arse
If like me you had way too much free time to engage in nearly all the sporting hours, you’d probably do well to get your arse out of the rump size mould you created in the sofa. Ironically, having so much sport on TV inspired us only to become massive couch potatoes. The only exercise arose when our finger had to move to press the red button. An even more strenuous task occurred when said finger had to move all the way over to the blue button. And can you imagine the weight of responsibility bestowed upon oneself when one actually had to choose a sport? Exactly. Where’s our effing medals huh?
Option No2 – Close the gates at the airports
Yes, you heard me. Close the gates. And no, sorry to disappoint the Daily Mail readers out there, I don’t mean close the gates to foreigners coming to this country. No, close the gates to all those moody, angry bastards who left this country to go on holiday because of how horrific these two weeks were supposedly going to be. Surprise! It wasn’t horrific. On the contrary. In fact, as a London resident I’ve never seen Central London so harmonious. No anger. No negativity. And not even that busy. The deserters were replaced with optimistic, smiley and – let’s be frank – better looking people. London was a truly wonderful place to be.
So yes, close the gates. We don’t want you back. Especially with that face.
Option No3 – Take up an Olympic sport
Now then, now then, now then. I think I watched through every sport and actually asked myself; “Could I compete in this?” more often than not my answer was a resounding “no”. I mean, I am in my 30s. My athletic qualities have somewhat left me. What I needed was a sport that – realistically – would require me to offer no effort whatsoever. You could imagine one would be hard pushed to find such a sport, but then, I discovered Dressage. The one ‘sport’ in the Olympics which pushes all the athletic graft onto an animal. How fantastic. And, not only that, given that only 5 of the 204 Olympian countries participate, competition is not as hard pushed (Those damn Jamaicans won’t be able to ruin the party). Although I’m pretty sure in years to come competition will be aggressively stiff as these Games will only inspire kids from all over the world (Kenya, Afghanistan, Liverpool, etc) to rush out to play Dressage. All you need is a horse, which, let’s face it, everyone has. Easy.
Option No4 – Get back to a routine
Truth be told – It may have to happen. But, just in case you’ve forgotten your pre-Olympics routine, here are some basics that everyone can follow:
- Get up, put on a grey face, go to work.
- Don’t smile.
- Don’t engage conversation.
- When someone makes eye contact, look to the floor.
- Buy tasteless sandwiches from Tesco.
- Queue again.
- Don’t help people with pushchairs on stairs. Instead, choose to watch as they struggle.
- Queue once more.
- Shout obscenities at someone who does something cataclysmically insignificant to upset you. In fact, punch them in the face. The Olympics are over bitch! Get used to it!
In fact, I’m thinking Option No4 might be your best bet. It’s probably safer this way. The world can’t exist with smiley, happy people being courteous to one another – it’s not natural.
So, however you choose to move forward, be proud that you were part of the Olympics. And if there’s one important thing we learned, it’s this; The female Hockey players were way more attractive than the female Beach Volleyballers.