Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’

The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 68 ‘Gordon the Criminal Gopher’

I’ll be honest, I shit my pants big time. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours I would be dancing naked on top of Lorraine Kelly’s bedside table shouting “I’m a big girth banana, come play with me you massive Scottish twat whore”. Gordon the Gopher, despite being recognised by millions all […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 53 ‘Anal Jacking’

I remember the first time Judy and I tried anal. We did it so much I was sure Judy wouldn’t sit down for a week. But, you know what? She did: she’s a bloody professional. Her stoic willingness to carry on is one of the very few things I admire about Judy. It reminded me […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 46 ‘The Shower’

It was all very intense and, before I knew it, I had ejaculated all over the wall. There I was, Richard Madeley, TV Times television personality of the year 1993, standing naked in a shower with excrement on the floor and semen on the walls. Judy was going to be angry. Really angry (like the […]

Valentine – The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness & Vagina Envy

So, here it is again. Valentine’s Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see couples out in the restaurants […]

The Truth About Babies, New Parents & Crack Addicts

So yes, I reached that age when it seems everyone I meet is having or just had a baby. I have to say it’s quite worrying. It feels like something out of a Stephen King novel. Truth is, for me, it’s never happened (that I’m aware of). I’m not against having children, but nor am […]

A Day In The Park with My New Lamp

Hey Everyone. There I was, walking along and what did I discover?… A new lamp. I was mighty happy. So happy in fact I decided to take my new lamp to the park. Life is fun with my new lamp.

Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?

Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn’t exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words “Cor blimey guvnor”. No doubt I will, but not yet my big brown friend. […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

The Box-Set

The queue wasn’t too big. I figured this to be a bonus since I’m one of the few British residents who don’t like queuing. I find it to be a waste of time. But contempt is balanced by a voice in my head that suggests it is a necessary evil, and dare anyone seek to […]