Me Me Me

I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]

At last I understand Rihanna

I’m sure we’ve all felt loss. Right now, I’m feeling it big time. It was a cold January morning. I reviewed the people surrounding me on the almost empty train. The East London line. The line where everyone always seems a little more relaxed. The open space certainly feels less intrusive. You gain a sense […]

A Rub & A Hard Place

Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]

Bond?

My eyes opened. The guy sitting across the rounded table from me was sweating profusely. His bald, middle-aged head gathered a shimmer of the cheap lights that hung from the ceiling. The two men occupying either side of him were in no mood for cheap words. “I… I… don’t know anything.” Baldy pleaded. Boom! The […]

Snooze Button-me-up

The Snooze button. I fucking love it. I often wonder what life would be without it. I shudder with fear. It doesn’t bear thinking about Seriously though. The best invention ever? Well, yes, maybe. People may argue the telescope or toilets or the use of electricity. But, come on. The snooze button. Could you seriously […]

Aha! Pirate.

“Aha, me hearty!” or “Walk the plank!” or “Pieces of eight!”. Yes, I think I would have made a good Pirate if not just for the oratory extravagance. In fact, that’s the only thing I would have been good at. Let’s face it, everything else they had to endure would have been pretty tough. Scurvy, […]

I’m Smoking Innit.

I smoke. I don’t know why I smoke. It’s bad for you. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me ill. It poisons me. Because that’s what it is. A poison. And it’s making me feel knackered. I worry that it makes my teeth yellow. I don’t want yellow teeth. Yellow teeth are disgusting. […]

Pencil Cases

Building bases with our pencil cases at school. This was in Middle school. Young, innocent and eager to possess educational tools. Or felt pens as they were known. I’m not sure if the curriculum demanded parents provided their children with such mess-making utensils, but we all had them anyway. Along with rulers, rubbers (eraser), pencils […]

The Tube Test – A Short Story

Her brow furrowed as she adjusted her looks, utilising the reflection which sat behind the man with the grey suit. Her skin, naturally tanned like a Korma, creased as her eyes twitched behind those big framed glasses. I liked those eyes. Magnified to almost comedic proportions, they still looked beautiful. I wondered if she ever […]