Seriously though. The best invention ever? Well, yes, maybe.
People may argue the telescope or toilets or the use of electricity. But, come on. The snooze button. Could you seriously live without it? No. Thought not.
I sometimes spend hour after hour floating in some sort of dream-like space, occasionally touching down only to press the button of snooze, and then I float up again. Every time I am cursed into thinking I have to get up, my button tells me; “No, no. It’s okay. I’ll take care of it.” And it does. Every time. We have an understanding you see.
I often set my alarm so I have at least an hour’s worth of snoozing time. I flit between dreams, aware of my presence in such a place. My own little virtual reality where friends are made, enemies are defeated and famous breasts are groped.
When my snoozing time is up, I feel refreshed. I’ve had a lie-in. I am ready for the day ahead. The human race gets a reprieve – I will not hate everyone instantly. I might even say ‘hello’. I just rescued a Vietnamese family from a burning building. Natalie Portman embraced me in a flood of tears. I was her hero. I grabbed her boob. And all because of the snooze button. You didn’t get stabbed today. And all because of the snooze button.
So yeah, probably the best invention. Although Duct Tape kicks some serious arse. How else could you kidnap someone these days? Rope? Nah, I’ve seen those films. All it takes is to tie it a little loose, and bam! You’ve lost your hostage. Now who’s gonna spend Christmas with you?! Idiot.
My mate had a Telephone interview the other day. What a great idea! I was thinking you could literally be naked whilst having a job interview. Maybe even touch yourself inappropriately. You could even watch Smurf porn or do such stuff like; Fry an egg. Check out your ‘guns’ in the mirror. Poke a dwarf in the eye. Allow a prostitute to rim you. Go for a jog. Go shopping. Rob a bank. Piss on a tramp. Buy a sandwich. Buy Duct tape. Go bowling. Or maybe even sit down. And all this whilst being interviewed for a job! Not bad.
Or how about those sticks with the ball that dog walkers use? Not a shabby idea at all. “Here Rover! Go fetch (and then put the slobbering mess of a ball on the fucking ground so I can pick it up with this stick and not have to touch your stinking piece-of-shit-dog-breath saliva)!”. Yes I’m pretty sure all dog owners would agree. That’s a pretty darn good invention.
Not as good as Tampons I hear you girls scream. Well, apart from the fact they stop blood gushing down your legs, it unfortunately doesn’t offset your irrational, over-emotional behavior. So where you’re the beneficiary, our lives remain untouched. That’s just selfish.
As for Football. Football was always written into the scriptures of life. No mortal could possibly invent such a game. Life without football would be impossible. Much the same as it would be without a set of lungs. Not an invention you see – a necessity of life.
Trousers? Yep. Jeans? Now you’re talking. Wet t-shirt competitions? Oh go on.
So if the snooze button is the best invention ever, what would be the worst? Well, the chances are we wouldn’t have heard of them. Some argue that whomever invented firearms should be shot. Whilst others bemoan the speed camera. I happen to believe that life would be better without Russell Howard. Whoever invented him is a retard. As is the person who invented the written act that Seth Rogan – and his grating voice and his poor personal hygiene – must appear in every film possible. Whoever that person is, he/she is not far off being tried for crimes against humanity. Why man? Why?!
And Blogs. Blogs are a pretty shit invention. They allow over opinionated dickheads like me publish whatever they want to tens of people. And don’t they go on? With their tongue-in-cheek humour and ironic sexist social commentary. It’s just as well no one reads them.
Apart from that, there’s more good than bad. Like Peanut Butter. And Jaffa Cakes. And Beer.
I’m tired now. Gotta go back to sleep. I promised Ms Portman I’d take her out on my motorcycle made of jam. Might even stick my cock in her ear.