Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’

The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 68 ‘Gordon the Criminal Gopher’

I’ll be honest, I shit my pants big time. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours I would be dancing naked on top of Lorraine Kelly’s bedside table shouting “I’m a big girth banana, come play with me you massive Scottish twat whore”. Gordon the Gopher, despite being recognised by millions all […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 53 ‘Anal Jacking’

I remember the first time Judy and I tried anal. We did it so much I was sure Judy wouldn’t sit down for a week. But, you know what? She did: she’s a bloody professional. Her stoic willingness to carry on is one of the very few things I admire about Judy. It reminded me […]

You Realise You’re Getting Old When You Find Yourself Knocking Back Rennie at a Gig

There I was: Camden Jazz Café, hands in pockets, jostling for a clear view of the stage. At intermittent intervals glancing sight of the fake Johnny Cash as he busted out another of his obscure back catalogue; one eye on the unnecessarily long queue at the bar; a drunk couple twice my age taking the stance that the […]

I Fantasise About Killing the Street Salesmen Who Try and Sell Me Broadband On A Daily Basis

My friends and I, like the rest of you, have discovered the many uses of social networking app WhatsApp. Whether it be organising a group of disorganised fucktard friends, exchanging photographs of shrivelled penises, or exchanging words of unrivalled vitriol, there’s fun, and pragmatism for all the family. Recently, I’ve discovered that it’s been pretty darn […]

My Game Of Thrones Marathon Is Finally Over; But Now I Talk Weird and Smell of Poo

WARNING: May contain spoilers. But then, may not. Who cares?! It seems you can’t go anywhere these days without some mug invading your personal space and playing the whole “Have you seen…” game. “Have you seen Breaking Bad?” “Have you seen Game Of Thrones?” “Have you seen this mole on my cock, it’s really big and tastes […]

The Quality Street Revolution – My Struggle With Britain’s Favourite Festive Treat

It’s January. And, if like me, you’ll likely visit friends’ houses moaning about your lack of money and whether or not it was a good thing you didn’t get into Rolf’s Cartoon Club (I’m still undecided). More often than not, after consuming all their bread and savoury snacks, I’ll ask if they have any chocolate – which […]

Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App

A few weeks back, I heard murmurings of a new dating app called Tinder. Someone had dressed it as “Grindr, but for straight people”. Now, for all of you who don’t know, Grindr is – in my limited knowledge – an app that uses your location to search for potential mates that are in your area. You make […]

Get Out of My Way – I Have Post Holiday Blues & I’m Prepared to Use It

I am confronted by a dead pigeon. Its body hard pressed and flattened to the floor. Its face contorted to a fixed expression of doom. Its guts spread across the road. I sigh. We are one. Its state reflects how I am feeling. I pass a stranger who takes the time to smile warmly at […]

The New, New, New, Superman Arrives – But Does the Whore That Is Cinema Still Love Me?

Oh, hello cinema. What’s that you got behind your back attached to that very massive marketing campaign? Come on, let us see. What’s this? Another Superman film? Another film to explain how a character that’s been talked about our whole lives came about? But cinema, surely now we understand it. Don’t we? No? Hang on, I’m pretty […]