The New, New, New, Superman Arrives – But Does the Whore That Is Cinema Still Love Me?


Oh, hello cinema. What’s that you got behind your back attached to that very massive marketing campaign? Come on, let us see. What’s this? Another Superman film? Another film to explain how a character that’s been talked about our whole lives came about? But cinema, surely now we understand it. Don’t we? No? Hang on, I’m pretty sure I know how this goes; a kid lands on Planet Earth, grows up with nice folk, learns he has the best superpowers ever but wants to be a normal boy like Pinocchio, then decides to waste these talents by being a goody-two-shoes before falling off a horse and paralysing himself. That’s right isn’t it? No? Aw man! But I’ve watched Superman 1, 2, 3 & 4Lois & Clark the Superman TV series (with the ever-handsome Dean Cain), Smallville, and Superman Returns. I’ve even seen the cartoons. Surely I know what happens right? No? Turns out I’ve got some learning to do? What’s that? Man of Steel? Phew. Thank goodness for that. Another Superman film. For a moment there I thought I was going to be out of the Superman loop. After all, you can’t get enough of the same thing.

I was getting worried for a second. I thought Hollywood had forgotten about us little people and our inability to understand the regurgitated stories that just will not penetrate our brains. That’s what the blockbuster is for. Some say Hollywood’s mugging us off. Raping our brains and stealing our cash. In fact, some would argue that Hollywood’s exploits make a mugging seem like a more fruitful and morale-boosting experience. But Hollywood wouldn’t do that to us. And even if they did I’m sure they’d show a bit of decent honesty by displaying a caption at the end of the film that reads; “Ha, ha. Fuck you stupid wankers”. But they don’t, so obviously they’re not mugging us off. So there.

Although strange thing is, I almost can’t remember the last time I walked out of the cinema with a sense of awe and excitement. It seems – desperate to escape the pit of doom that has become my prison – that every exit is rushed, if not held back as I struggle to straighten my legs out of the misshapen mess those wonderful cinema chairs seem so caringly intent on crafting. However no sense of imagination buzz overkill. No sense of whizzing satisfaction. But who cares? I like paying extortionate amounts for an uncomfortable seat, no pause button, no tea-making facilities, surrounded by idiots grazing on plastic cheese and crisps as you watch a crap film. It’s what many of us regard as a ‘luxury’. Nothing wrong with treating yourself to a bit of luxury.

Okay, I admit, cinema’s not quite what it used to be. And yes, they may be after a bit of your cash and complete exploitation, and hey, why the heck not? You see for me, Cinema’s like that ex-flame whom I’ll always have soft spot for. We once had a worthy relationship, but soon she started to lie. She promised the world but never delivered. She said she’d show me worlds to make my brain explode with excitement. But little did I know that all she ever wanted was my money. At first I turned the other cheek, holding on to those memories that had brought so much happiness in the preceding years. But the broken promises kept on coming until I eventually had to say no, enough is enough, no more cinema blockbusters for me. But still, she comes back into my life, batting those eyelids and telling me she’s changed. Of course I don’t believe her at first, in fact I scoff at her approach. But, something deep inside of me wants to believe. So much so I trudge back optimistically only to find myself once again disappointed, desperately searching for some happiness in my now empty packet of Revels. I sit underwhelmed, angered with myself. I can’t believe what a fool I can be to believe such lies. Damn you cinema with your slutty sliver tongue and your sexy curves! You always play me for a fool. But not this time right? Not with this new film. I mean; Man of Steel. It’s got a new title and everything.

You can also follow Alfie at The Huffington Post

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