Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’

The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 46 ‘The Shower’

It was all very intense and, before I knew it, I had ejaculated all over the wall. There I was, Richard Madeley, TV Times television personality of the year 1993, standing naked in a shower with excrement on the floor and semen on the walls. Judy was going to be angry. Really angry (like the […]

The New, New, New, Superman Arrives – But Does the Whore That Is Cinema Still Love Me?

Oh, hello cinema. What’s that you got behind your back attached to that very massive marketing campaign? Come on, let us see. What’s this? Another Superman film? Another film to explain how a character that’s been talked about our whole lives came about? But cinema, surely now we understand it. Don’t we? No? Hang on, I’m pretty […]

Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?

It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

A Rub & A Hard Place

Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]

Right Royal Deathmocracy

I don’t know what makes me nauseate more; watching Eastenders or the Royal wedding. Both cost the taxpayers a lot of money. Both appear in the press far too much. And both contain an overwhelming number of characters who are related to each other. Having said that, Eastenders provides a lot more death. Something I […]