The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]
Read More Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’
WARNING: May contain spoilers. But then, may not. Who cares?! It seems you can’t go anywhere these days without some mug invading your personal space and playing the whole “Have you seen…” game. “Have you seen Breaking Bad?” “Have you seen Game Of Thrones?” “Have you seen this mole on my cock, it’s really big and tastes […]
Read More My Game Of Thrones Marathon Is Finally Over; But Now I Talk Weird and Smell of Poo
A few weeks back, I heard murmurings of a new dating app called Tinder. Someone had dressed it as “Grindr, but for straight people”. Now, for all of you who don’t know, Grindr is – in my limited knowledge – an app that uses your location to search for potential mates that are in your area. You make […]
Read More Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App
So, here it is again. Valentine’s Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see couples out in the restaurants […]
Read More Valentine – The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness & Vagina Envy
It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]
Read More Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?
I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]
Read More Me Me Me
Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]
Read More A Rub & A Hard Place
Stumbling around, screeching at the top of their voices, linking arms and singing songs out of tune. They make you feel uncomfortable as you enjoy a drink and munch on pork scratchings. You daren’t enter a conversation for fear of a dislike of what you’re saying, thus in turn causing them to become aggressive. They […]
Read More More Tequila Auntie Jean?