A Rub & A Hard Place

Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]

Snooze Button-me-up

The Snooze button. I fucking love it. I often wonder what life would be without it. I shudder with fear. It doesn’t bear thinking about Seriously though. The best invention ever? Well, yes, maybe. People may argue the telescope or toilets or the use of electricity. But, come on. The snooze button. Could you seriously […]

Deserter

I’m off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. Actually, no, I’m not. I’m off to run naked through a desert and crush bandit’s skulls with a claw hammer whilst being pursued by Tina Turner and her gang of merry men. Actually, no, I’m not. But I am off to a desert. A […]

Aha! Pirate.

“Aha, me hearty!” or “Walk the plank!” or “Pieces of eight!”. Yes, I think I would have made a good Pirate if not just for the oratory extravagance. In fact, that’s the only thing I would have been good at. Let’s face it, everything else they had to endure would have been pretty tough. Scurvy, […]

Captain Bored.

Captain’s Log. Stardate: 16th June 2011. Location: A branded coffee house in Greenwich. Status: Very, very bored. So bored in fact, I considered taking Viagra. Just to see what it was like to be 14 again. Walking around with a throbbing erection all day. I opted against that. But I considered it. Seriously considered it. […]

A Conscience & a Young Place

“Get up, get up, get up. Get up!” “ I can’t. I’m too tired. Leave me alone.” “I can’t leave you alone. I’m your conscience.” “Couldn’t give a fuck. Go away.” “But you do give a fuck. I make you give a fuck. Now get up!” “I don’t want to.” “But you do want to. […]

I’m Smoking Innit.

I smoke. I don’t know why I smoke. It’s bad for you. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me ill. It poisons me. Because that’s what it is. A poison. And it’s making me feel knackered. I worry that it makes my teeth yellow. I don’t want yellow teeth. Yellow teeth are disgusting. […]

Right Royal Deathmocracy

I don’t know what makes me nauseate more; watching Eastenders or the Royal wedding. Both cost the taxpayers a lot of money. Both appear in the press far too much. And both contain an overwhelming number of characters who are related to each other. Having said that, Eastenders provides a lot more death. Something I […]

Pencil Cases

Building bases with our pencil cases at school. This was in Middle school. Young, innocent and eager to possess educational tools. Or felt pens as they were known. I’m not sure if the curriculum demanded parents provided their children with such mess-making utensils, but we all had them anyway. Along with rulers, rubbers (eraser), pencils […]

New Shoes, New Skin.

I’m wearing in my new shoes today. I say ‘new’ but I’ve had them for two months now. They’re not cheap shoes. Not for blokes’ standards. I find anything above £50 to be not cheap. Anything above £100 is fucking stupid. What is also stupid is that I have to wear the buggers in. Surely […]