Eek! A Big Yellow Orb Arrives in Time for the London Marathon – And My Reasons to Bloomin’ Love It

Run for hills I tell you! There’s a yellow orb in the sky! What on Earth…..?! Its emergence spells only doom. The end is nigh! Those weirdo religious freaks were right! It’s here! It’s here! A big ball of yellow sent straight from hell. There, look at it. In the sky! Shining down, bringing warmth […]

The Truth About Babies, New Parents & Crack Addicts

So yes, I reached that age when it seems everyone I meet is having or just had a baby. I have to say it’s quite worrying. It feels like something out of a Stephen King novel. Truth is, for me, it’s never happened (that I’m aware of). I’m not against having children, but nor am […]

A Day In The Park with My New Lamp

Hey Everyone. There I was, walking along and what did I discover?… A new lamp. I was mighty happy. So happy in fact I decided to take my new lamp to the park. Life is fun with my new lamp.

Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?

Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn’t exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words “Cor blimey guvnor”. No doubt I will, but not yet my big brown friend. […]

The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear. Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot.

It’s been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I’m not afraid to admit, I’m becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don’t watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing circus orchestrated by a bearded old geezer. […]

Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?

It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

The Box-Set

The queue wasn’t too big. I figured this to be a bonus since I’m one of the few British residents who don’t like queuing. I find it to be a waste of time. But contempt is balanced by a voice in my head that suggests it is a necessary evil, and dare anyone seek to […]

Me Me Me

I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]

At last I understand Rihanna

I’m sure we’ve all felt loss. Right now, I’m feeling it big time. It was a cold January morning. I reviewed the people surrounding me on the almost empty train. The East London line. The line where everyone always seems a little more relaxed. The open space certainly feels less intrusive. You gain a sense […]