Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?

It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

The Box-Set

The queue wasn’t too big. I figured this to be a bonus since I’m one of the few British residents who don’t like queuing. I find it to be a waste of time. But contempt is balanced by a voice in my head that suggests it is a necessary evil, and dare anyone seek to […]

Me Me Me

I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]

At last I understand Rihanna

I’m sure we’ve all felt loss. Right now, I’m feeling it big time. It was a cold January morning. I reviewed the people surrounding me on the almost empty train. The East London line. The line where everyone always seems a little more relaxed. The open space certainly feels less intrusive. You gain a sense […]

A Rub & A Hard Place

Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner. It’s not often I recite these words. But, in these circumstances, it deemed necessary. A woman was rubbing my body from head to toe. Her fingertips taking charge of my naked skin. If ever there was a reason for the blood to rush […]

Bond?

My eyes opened. The guy sitting across the rounded table from me was sweating profusely. His bald, middle-aged head gathered a shimmer of the cheap lights that hung from the ceiling. The two men occupying either side of him were in no mood for cheap words. “I… I… don’t know anything.” Baldy pleaded. Boom! The […]

Snooze Button-me-up

The Snooze button. I fucking love it. I often wonder what life would be without it. I shudder with fear. It doesn’t bear thinking about Seriously though. The best invention ever? Well, yes, maybe. People may argue the telescope or toilets or the use of electricity. But, come on. The snooze button. Could you seriously […]

Deserter

I’m off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. Actually, no, I’m not. I’m off to run naked through a desert and crush bandit’s skulls with a claw hammer whilst being pursued by Tina Turner and her gang of merry men. Actually, no, I’m not. But I am off to a desert. A […]

Aha! Pirate.

“Aha, me hearty!” or “Walk the plank!” or “Pieces of eight!”. Yes, I think I would have made a good Pirate if not just for the oratory extravagance. In fact, that’s the only thing I would have been good at. Let’s face it, everything else they had to endure would have been pretty tough. Scurvy, […]