A few weeks back, I heard murmurings of a new dating app called Tinder. Someone had dressed it as “Grindr, but for straight people”. Now, for all of you who don’t know, Grindr is – in my limited knowledge – an app that uses your location to search for potential mates that are in your area. You make […]
Read More Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App
I am confronted by a dead pigeon. Its body hard pressed and flattened to the floor. Its face contorted to a fixed expression of doom. Its guts spread across the road. I sigh. We are one. Its state reflects how I am feeling. I pass a stranger who takes the time to smile warmly at […]
Read More Get Out of My Way – I Have Post Holiday Blues & I’m Prepared to Use It
Oh, hello cinema. What’s that you got behind your back attached to that very massive marketing campaign? Come on, let us see. What’s this? Another Superman film? Another film to explain how a character that’s been talked about our whole lives came about? But cinema, surely now we understand it. Don’t we? No? Hang on, I’m pretty […]
Read More The New, New, New, Superman Arrives – But Does the Whore That Is Cinema Still Love Me?
Run for hills I tell you! There’s a yellow orb in the sky! What on Earth…..?! Its emergence spells only doom. The end is nigh! Those weirdo religious freaks were right! It’s here! It’s here! A big ball of yellow sent straight from hell. There, look at it. In the sky! Shining down, bringing warmth […]
Read More Eek! A Big Yellow Orb Arrives in Time for the London Marathon – And My Reasons to Bloomin’ Love It
So, here it is again. Valentine’s Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see couples out in the restaurants […]
Read More Valentine – The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness & Vagina Envy
So yes, I reached that age when it seems everyone I meet is having or just had a baby. I have to say it’s quite worrying. It feels like something out of a Stephen King novel. Truth is, for me, it’s never happened (that I’m aware of). I’m not against having children, but nor am […]
Read More The Truth About Babies, New Parents & Crack Addicts
Hey Everyone. There I was, walking along and what did I discover?… A new lamp. I was mighty happy. So happy in fact I decided to take my new lamp to the park. Life is fun with my new lamp.
Read More A Day In The Park with My New Lamp
Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn’t exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words “Cor blimey guvnor”. No doubt I will, but not yet my big brown friend. […]
Read More Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?
As I sat on Blackheath watching the closing ceremony, I embraced the collective groan as God’s gift to music – Jessie J – took to the giant screen, before a sniff of sadness hit me. Not just because the organisers had let the some big-faced shouty person and her ‘rapper’ mates single-handedly destroy any shred […]
Read More What? The Olympics Are Over? Don’t Worry I Can Help
It’s been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I’m not afraid to admit, I’m becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don’t watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing circus orchestrated by a bearded old geezer. […]
Read More The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear. Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot.