Captain Bored.

Captain’s Log. Stardate: 16th June 2011. Location: A branded coffee house in Greenwich. Status: Very, very bored. So bored in fact, I considered taking Viagra. Just to see what it was like to be 14 again. Walking around with a throbbing erection all day. I opted against that. But I considered it. Seriously considered it. […]

A Conscience & a Young Place

“Get up, get up, get up. Get up!” “ I can’t. I’m too tired. Leave me alone.” “I can’t leave you alone. I’m your conscience.” “Couldn’t give a fuck. Go away.” “But you do give a fuck. I make you give a fuck. Now get up!” “I don’t want to.” “But you do want to. […]

I’m Smoking Innit.

I smoke. I don’t know why I smoke. It’s bad for you. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me ill. It poisons me. Because that’s what it is. A poison. And it’s making me feel knackered. I worry that it makes my teeth yellow. I don’t want yellow teeth. Yellow teeth are disgusting. […]

Right Royal Deathmocracy

I don’t know what makes me nauseate more; watching Eastenders or the Royal wedding. Both cost the taxpayers a lot of money. Both appear in the press far too much. And both contain an overwhelming number of characters who are related to each other. Having said that, Eastenders provides a lot more death. Something I […]

Pencil Cases

Building bases with our pencil cases at school. This was in Middle school. Young, innocent and eager to possess educational tools. Or felt pens as they were known. I’m not sure if the curriculum demanded parents provided their children with such mess-making utensils, but we all had them anyway. Along with rulers, rubbers (eraser), pencils […]

New Shoes, New Skin.

I’m wearing in my new shoes today. I say ‘new’ but I’ve had them for two months now. They’re not cheap shoes. Not for blokes’ standards. I find anything above £50 to be not cheap. Anything above £100 is fucking stupid. What is also stupid is that I have to wear the buggers in. Surely […]

‘Ello Mr Sandman

I’m tired. Really tired. In fact, I can’t get enough sleep. But no matter how many times I say this to people, they always respond with; “Yeah, me too.” No. Not you too. I’M tired, not you. I can’t feel your tiredness and neither do I care. I just want to sleep. Now get out […]

Macca Smacka

Okay, I admit it. I’ve just been to McDonalds. I don’t feel good about it. I don’t even know why I did. I wasn’t hung-over or anything, I think my body told me it was time for my next ‘fix’ and so I reluctantly adhered to my body’s plan. Is that called addiction? Surely you […]

Happy Poo Year!

It’s mid-January. It’s very mild outside. Rain is gushing down from the sky in Australia’s ‘Sunshine Coast’, and England are undisputed Ashes champions. Should we be worried? Maybe. Global warming? Yeah, why not. Or is just down the world evolving? Yep. Probably. Most unnerving is the incredibly mild temperatures in what is now our mid-winter. […]

There’s Mo Limits

I entered the cafe. No-one noticed. No-one showed their concern. No-one cared. I cared though. My furry friend had gone, was no more. The friend who had awoken me every morning for the last month with a gentle hurrah. The friend who offered advice and installed in me self-belief. The friend who tickled me when […]