It’s mid-January. It’s very mild outside. Rain is gushing down from the sky in Australia’s ‘Sunshine Coast’, and England are undisputed Ashes champions. Should we be worried? Maybe. Global warming? Yeah, why not. Or is just down the world evolving? Yep. Probably.
Most unnerving is the incredibly mild temperatures in what is now our mid-winter. We should be freezing our bollocks off. But we ain’t. And while it doesn’t bother me all that much, it does concern me that as a nation we won’t have anything to moan about weather-wise. I’ve even witnessed people wrap up in scarves and woolly hats in an ambitious attempt to confuse onlookers into thinking it’s cold. Well, it ain’t. And I know how heart-breaking it is as a Briton to experience mild temperatures, but I’m sorry you’re just going to have to find something else to moan about besides the weather. Even London transport is likely to keep working, upsetting all those commuters who secretly enjoy the disruption to the travel schedules, relishing the chance to ‘bemoan’ TFL simply because the word ‘bemoan’ has the word ‘moan’ at its core.
We’re a nation of moaners and at the moment the weather has confused us. We focussed so much of our attention and anger on the disruption of the December snow, that everything else now seems okay. Which it is. Compare that to the goings on in Australia’s ‘Sunshine Coast’. Mass devastation to thousands of peoples’ lives. And this being in a Territory that hasn’t had its quota of decent rainfall in ten years. I think it’s fair to say they’ve had their quota now – for the next ten years. Those Aussies must be up in arms moaning about the weather right? Well, no actually. Every person I have seen interviewed has approached the situation with a sense of calm, and more importantly, a sense of humour. We get a little bit of snow and the world is ending. Australians’ lives get washed away and they’re simply going to get on with it. And I bet their trains are still running.
Just when you thought the floods in Australia were enough, Brazil decided to have a flooding disaster of their own with scores of people being buried alive in devastating mudslides. Australia? Brazil? Flooding? It doesn’t sound right.
The world certainly is changing and the news channels certainly are loving it. Like last year with those trapped Chilean miners. An ongoing drama that lasted for weeks and weeks and ended with a crescendo of happiness as every one of those cheeky beggars was set free to be reunited their wives, children and – in some cases – their mistresses. It was such a success that New Zealand aimed to capitalise on the trapped miner franchise and run one of their own. Unfortunately, due to every miner dying, this was not as successful and lasted only a week.
With all these current natural disasters taking place and the climate not being as we remember, you could be forgiven for getting a little bit worried. Personally I don’t. The world is how it is, and there’s not much we can do to change it. If you do want to worry about something, then worry about the state of British television programmes being broadcast. If the failure to show any Star Wars films or The Great Escape over the Christmas period wasn’t enough, then the current influx of awfulness should cement British terrestrial TV as one of the biggest disasters of 2011. Just when you thought the BBC couldn’t stoop any lower, they bloody well did. For when I turned on the television on new year’s day, I was confronted with a vision only fiction writers could plant in my head. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I begged for it not to be true. But it was. Lenny Henry was back on BBC ONE. Lenny Henry, officially a non-comedic comedian, back on TV. A man whom the people of Britain thought had finally rid themselves of, returned to television. Like the Plague returning to London, Lenny was back on the box. That man must have one hell of an agent. How on earth did Lenny Henry (Yes, Lenny Henry) get a job on television? Do the execs at the BBC not realise that everyone on Planet Earth is still alive? Is the person who said ‘OK’ to giving him the job secretly harbouring a desire to never possessing any shred of dignity? How can that person look at his/her self in the mirror? Kiss their kids with that mouth? The mouth that said ‘yes’ to cause suffering to millions across the nation. Who’s next? Bobby Davro?
Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe Lenny was just hosting a really good show. A genius show that will be fresh and ground-breaking. A show to inspire and thrill. What was it called? Oh yeah, that’s right; Magicians. A show where magicians perform magic tricks. Awe-inspiring tricks such as the never seen before ‘Cut-a-woman-in-half-trick’. I rubbed my disbelieving eyes as I watched a woman get cut in half by a blade with no signs of blood. And she didn’t die. And she could walk off all attached. Amazing! I have never seen anything like it before. I am so glad the Beeb decided to put it on national television in 2011. Like I said, I’ve never seen anything like it before. Oh wait. Yes, yes I have. I saw it when I was four years-old. And I’m pretty sure everyone else has. But hey, at least we don’t know how it’s done. Oh wait, we do. Oh. Well, at least it’s high-end entertainment and not something you’d find at Butlins. Hang on a minute…..
What’s going on here?! Magicians? Performing tricks we’ve all seen a million times? Hosted by the washed-up has-been championed for not being funny? Cheap holiday camp entertainment being shown on primetime television? It can’t be true. No, wait. Oh, I get it. Just a theory, but, I reckon by having the most accurate weather forecasters *cough*, the BBC had predicted the weather would cause non-moanable moments and therefore put mindless cheap shit on television just so we’d have something to moan about. You see, those incompetent overpaid wankers do care about us after all. Happy new year!
The Alfie Evers Brain Sale 