So, The World Cup is over and it’s time to settle back to our normal lives. No more sneaking off work early to catch a dire game you’ve waited ‘Four Years’ to see. No more moaning about Vuvuzelas and the negative atmosphere they create. And no more depressing England performances (Well, for the time being that is).
I’m almost quite relieved. It means I don’t have to pick up a red-top paper to be faced with the ‘England FC’ Propaganda Machine that tells you everyday: How wonderful we’re gonna play in the next game, how many goals each player is going to score and what ‘Zoe, 28 from London’ and her most delightful pair of breasts predicts the score to be. At least now Zoe and her pals can resume sharing their daily thoughts on politics. The only reason I take a gander at page three of course.
Perhaps now The World Cup’s over, we can revert back to the days when we, the men, would watch the football and our girlfriends would roll their eyes. When people who have absolutely no interest in football, declare they no have interest in football and stay out of our conversations about football. The days when you could shout “Fucking Cunt!” at the telly because it wasn’t a family sport, it was a man’s sport for men with an impressive swearing vocabulary.
Now, I’ve heard many times from many people how Football should follow suit like Rugby because Rugby is a family sport and that supporters from both sides can ‘Mingle in Together’ all having fun. No, no, no, no, no! We don’t want that! Rugby is the gayest sport on the planet and we all know it. I like being territorial and shouting obusive banter. I don’t want the other side to do well. I want them to lose. And cry. And then I can bellow ‘AAAAAAAAAH!’ as I give them the fingers.
Often it can make Girlfriends look aghast in horror when such bellows and banters are emitted. But, when women take an interest in football, it can make men uneasy. It’s our game and we can cry if we want to. I think the main thing which really gets my goat, is when they start saying things like “He’s fit” or “Phwoar”. This has no place in football. It’s war, not phwoar.
I am also grateful to say farewell to the BBC’s integrated ‘Feel Guilty For Africa’ coverage. The bit when they patronise us by showing us what a difference the World Cup can make. I really couldn’t give two hoots about their ‘Children-in-Need’ style segment. I know my history and I know how shit it was in South Africa way back when, so why justify the coverage by somehow using football as a political tool. It’s not a political tool. It’s football and that’s what makes it so great.
But, apart from that, the BBC’s coverage was pretty good as always. Great hosting from our Gary (A Golden-Boot winner of course) and good punditry from the likes of Hansen, Dixon and Seedorf.
Many people rate pundits on many different factors, but I’ve always felt that a good pundit is someone with whom you would like to have a football conversation over a pint in a pub. I think everyone – aside from Garth Crooks maybe – from the BBC would more than qualify for that.
Now. Let’s take that theory and mix it with ITV. Townsend? Earle? Keegan? Davids? Southgate?
“Drink you say lads? Er, no… I can’t. I…. erm….” at which point you grab Desailly and head over to the more esteemed pub where Hansen & Co are waiting with some quick wit and bloke-ish banter.
Seriously, what is it with ITV? Do they intend on being so shit? Are they run by Yanks? Surely someone there must understand football?!? ‘No’ must be the answer to that one. Either that or they pick the pundits out of hat. Perhaps they would have more success employing an Octopus to screen their Punditry employment process.
I suppose the arrival of Chiles was somewhat steadying (Anything’s better than that Matt Smith Character who I’m pretty sure has never seen a football match) and Desailly’s forthcoming opinions are always spot on, but Edgar Davids? Really? They totally pulled the short straw with the whole Seedorf/Davids allocation. No doubt both were awesome players and Dutch legends to boot, but there’s only one clear winner when it comes to speaking a sentence. However, it was very entertaining to watch the whole studio squirm whenever Edgar spoke, and you know things are bad when ‘Mr Mumble’ himself – Robbie Earle – has to bail him out (He can get you any ticket you want though).
Also gunning for worst pundit is Gareth Southgate. Another one who suffers from ‘Not Being Able To Speak Properly’. And as for Kevin Keegan. He’s just a nob. Bless ‘im.
If the structure of ITV’s wondrous show is not enough to piss you off, then there’s at least four hours of adverts squeezed into every possible space. And if that still wasn’t enough, then you could have always hung around for James Corden’s ‘Most Unprepared and Non-Humourous Live World Cup Show’. A gem I tell you.
So, yes. I’m glad it’s over. At least now we can concentrate on The Adventures of Raoul Moat….. Oh wait. Shit, that’s over too. I was just getting into that. But don’t worry, even though he’s dead and Gazza couldn’t take him fishing, I’m sure you’ll find ongoing coverage in a certain red-top paper for at least another month. And at last, Zoe and her wonderful breasts can talk about something else.