The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]Read More Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’
I’ll be honest, I shit my pants big time. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours I would be dancing naked on top of Lorraine Kelly’s bedside table shouting “I’m a big girth banana, come play with me you massive Scottish twat whore”. Gordon the Gopher, despite being recognised by millions all […]Read More Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 68 ‘Gordon the Criminal Gopher’
I remember the first time Judy and I tried anal. We did it so much I was sure Judy wouldn’t sit down for a week. But, you know what? She did: she’s a bloody professional. Her stoic willingness to carry on is one of the very few things I admire about Judy. It reminded me […]Read More Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 53 ‘Anal Jacking’
WARNING: May contain spoilers. But then, may not. Who cares?! It seems you can’t go anywhere these days without some mug invading your personal space and playing the whole “Have you seen…” game. “Have you seen Breaking Bad?” “Have you seen Game Of Thrones?” “Have you seen this mole on my cock, it’s really big and tastes […]Read More My Game Of Thrones Marathon Is Finally Over; But Now I Talk Weird and Smell of Poo
It’s January. And, if like me, you’ll likely visit friends’ houses moaning about your lack of money and whether or not it was a good thing you didn’t get into Rolf’s Cartoon Club (I’m still undecided). More often than not, after consuming all their bread and savoury snacks, I’ll ask if they have any chocolate – which […]Read More The Quality Street Revolution – My Struggle With Britain’s Favourite Festive Treat
I am confronted by a dead pigeon. Its body hard pressed and flattened to the floor. Its face contorted to a fixed expression of doom. Its guts spread across the road. I sigh. We are one. Its state reflects how I am feeling. I pass a stranger who takes the time to smile warmly at […]Read More Get Out of My Way – I Have Post Holiday Blues & I’m Prepared to Use It
Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn’t exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words “Cor blimey guvnor”. No doubt I will, but not yet my big brown friend. […]Read More Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?
It’s been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I’m not afraid to admit, I’m becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don’t watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing circus orchestrated by a bearded old geezer. […]Read More The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear. Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot.
It’s hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed – I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts Magazine. But “How?!” I hear […]Read More Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis – Is the End Nigh for Facebook?
The queue wasn’t too big. I figured this to be a bonus since I’m one of the few British residents who don’t like queuing. I find it to be a waste of time. But contempt is balanced by a voice in my head that suggests it is a necessary evil, and dare anyone seek to […]Read More The Box-Set