Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 73 ‘Lorraine’s Growler’

The message from Gordon the Gopher was abundantly clear: sexually seduce Lorraine Kelly with your penis or face, or face the consequences with your face or penis. I wasn’t quite clear on what those consequences were, but I imagined it was a darn sight worse than licking the porridge-clad labia of a Scottish spinster who […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 68 ‘Gordon the Criminal Gopher’

I’ll be honest, I shit my pants big time. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours I would be dancing naked on top of Lorraine Kelly’s bedside table shouting “I’m a big girth banana, come play with me you massive Scottish twat whore”. Gordon the Gopher, despite being recognised by millions all […]

Richard Madeley – T’autobiography Chapter 53 ‘Anal Jacking’

I remember the first time Judy and I tried anal. We did it so much I was sure Judy wouldn’t sit down for a week. But, you know what? She did: she’s a bloody professional. Her stoic willingness to carry on is one of the very few things I admire about Judy. It reminded me […]

The Quality Street Revolution – My Struggle With Britain’s Favourite Festive Treat

It’s January. And, if like me, you’ll likely visit friends’ houses moaning about your lack of money and whether or not it was a good thing you didn’t get into Rolf’s Cartoon Club (I’m still undecided). More often than not, after consuming all their bread and savoury snacks, I’ll ask if they have any chocolate – which […]

Valentine – The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness & Vagina Envy

So, here it is again. Valentine’s Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see couples out in the restaurants […]

The Truth About Babies, New Parents & Crack Addicts

So yes, I reached that age when it seems everyone I meet is having or just had a baby. I have to say it’s quite worrying. It feels like something out of a Stephen King novel. Truth is, for me, it’s never happened (that I’m aware of). I’m not against having children, but nor am […]

A Day In The Park with My New Lamp

Hey Everyone. There I was, walking along and what did I discover?… A new lamp. I was mighty happy. So happy in fact I decided to take my new lamp to the park. Life is fun with my new lamp.

The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear. Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot.

It’s been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I’m not afraid to admit, I’m becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don’t watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing circus orchestrated by a bearded old geezer. […]

Me, Prince & Him

There I was, leisurely strolling across the rain-strewn South bank of London. The streetlights bounced at me as my feet navigated the puddles. Incoherent shouts of traffic tried to penetrate my ears, which were otherwise engaged with the sounds of Prince. He was telling a story about a girl who owned a beret that tasted […]

Me Me Me

I grabbed my crotch. Not for any real purpose, it’s just what I do when I think. Hilarious female comics from the 80s would suggest that this is because the scrotum is where the male brain can be found. This is not true. This is where our second brain can be found. We have a […]