Ha ha ha plonk!

Hi folks, sorry I’ve been away for a while.  Not that you’ve noticed of course.  You’ve probably been embroiled in the social brain-washing mediocrity that is X-Factor.  Choosing not to enjoy life to the full but instead staying in on the sofa so you can be ‘Mildly’ entertained by an emotional pimple-faced puppet blasting out karaoke whilst jeered on by an audience of monkeys and other beings not yet fully through the evolutionarily process.  And who can blame you? It’s easy and more convenient.  Like a Tesco sandwich.

If you haven’t been utilising your time watching X-Factor, then you must have been busy creating a stand-up comedy DVD in time for Christmas.  Isn’t that what everyone does at Christmas?  It seems anyone can become a stand-up comedian these days.  In fact I’m surprised my mum and dad haven’t attempted to give it a go.  There are scores and scores of folks out there earning a wage as average comedians. Too many. It must be the only profession where you only have to be half good in order to make a career out of it.  If I wanted to be a mediocre doctor, I’d still have to do ten years of schooling before I embarked on my career as Dr Might-get-one-diagnosis-in-ten-correct, and no doubt this performance level would pretty much be frowned upon.

What other careers are there where you don’t actually have to fulfil your job title?  I can’t imagine an accountant only being able to count up to one hundred.  Or an airline pilot with only the ability to take-off.  As for all those actors out there, I will say one thing; don’t bother.  You could be the best actor in the world and yet still you won’t get work.  Why?  Because your face doesn’t fit.  Instead, become an average comedian.  You don’t have to be funny and pretty soon the opportunity for an acting part will arrive.  Simple.

If you call yourself a ‘Comedian’, you should be funny at least 75% of the time.  If it drops below this I think you should be called ‘Bloke/Woman on stage aspiring to be funny’.  Trading standards and all that. We could adopt this for shows on television which claim to be ‘Comedy’ or ‘Sit-com’.   Maybe there should be new genres; ‘Trying to be funny’, or ; ‘Massively dated and written by a stage toff’, or even;  ‘Only on TV because it’s a re-written old script and cheap to make’.  And if you’re really lucky, you can fit into the BBCs new policy of putting people into their shows to satisfy each demographic.  Trouble is, the good old Beeb forget that if they’re going to wedge them into a comedy show, that said person should at least be slightly comical. Maybe.


Shappi Khorsandi – British-Iranian Female.  Takes the piss no end out of Iranian culture with material Bernard Manning would be proud of.  But it’s okay because she’s Iranian and she’s a woman.

Omid Djalili – British-Iranian Male.  Been on the scene for a while now with his act of putting on an Iranian accent.  Has now moved into adverts portraying a man with an, er, accent.

Andi Osho – Ah, the demographic filler’s dream.  A Pretty Black British Female.  This young lady ticks all the boxes (apart from one very important box).

Have these people in your show and it’s bound to be wonderfully politically correct.  Unfortunately it just won’t be funny.  But hey, that doesn’t matter does it? It is a bit of a shame the women who have been selected by the Beeb and other such forces to lead the female revolution into comedy are, well, a bit shit.  I feel for the likes of Lucy Porter, Josie Long and Sarah Millican who truly are the shining lights.  Incidentally, female comedians always get a bad rap for not being funny, but I can list a whole host of male comedians who are equally not funny.  A big fucking list.  I think on the whole, British women are a lot nicer than British men.  And nice isn’t funny.

So, lead by the ultra-safe Michael McIntyre, the mediocre comedian is here.  Why the sudden explosion of mediocre comedians?  I don’t know.  Is it a coincidence the Tories are back in power?  I think not.  It is reflective of the 80’s, and pretty soon that means we’ll have a comedic revolution.  My only fear is that with it, will come another Ben Elton.  God help us all.  In the mean time we’ll all have to make do with non-offensive, non-boundary pushing, PC-safe comedy filled with plenty of people masquerading as something funny.  Not to mention the hundreds of DVDs we will be told to buy at Christmas because the ordinary bloke on the front is ‘Belly-busting funny’, whilst we, the ‘non-stars’ go back to our jobs where we are expected to perform to our job title’s ask – 100%.

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